Once again, I find myself playing Final Fantasy VII.

And once again, I’m ill at ease with my blatantly sexist choice of party members—Cloud, Barret and Red XIII—if for no other reason than I am bending to a system that presupposes their superiority—which is, in fact, a pretty damning argument against me.

Cloud is the protagonist, so he’s obviously a guy and the de facto party leader for (almost) the entire game. I couldn’t swap him out of my core party if I wanted to, but even if I could, I doubt that I would. He’s the only character with a weapon that has three, triple-growth materia slots, where two of those slots are linked. Also, his limit breaks kick ass.

If you don’t know the game, all you need to know about that nonsense is that it’s good.

Cloud’s basically like the Ryu (or Ken) of Midgar.

That analogy did not help my case, did it?

Fuck.

Barret is like Mr. T, except that instead of wearing a hilarious amount of gold he has a minigun for an arm. Which is to say he’s an awesomer version of Mr. T. Practically speaking, the gun gives him range. He takes less damage while dealing just as much. Impractically speaking, it’s totally fucking badass.

Mr. T.

No gold.

Gun arm.

Did I mention that he’s also a single dad with a heart of gold?

He’s that, too.

Plus, he’s a hugely central character. In the initial stages of the game he does more to drive the plot than anyone. Cloud is only willing to play for pay at that point, and Barret’s the one that pays him. Without really diving into the narrative, in a very real sense the game and its heroes never stray from Barret’s original mission to save the planet. They merely adjust the strategy for achieving his goal, admittedly out of necessity.

Barret is a lock.

Red XIII is a dark horse. I’ve never been entirely certain if he’s supposed to be canine or feline. I guess he’s kind of both, making him an enigmatic, wolfpanther™ shaman. Apart from limit breaks that don’t suck, Red doesn’t have any specific tangible advantage over many of the other characters. He relies solely on his superficial coolness to make the cut.

His tail is constantly on fire.

And, as I am about to illustrate, most of the other characters have some pretty glaring flaws, especially the ladies.

I don’t point this out because I’m trying to be a chauvinistic asshole. Honestly, I’m sick of pretending like everything’s cool, and that somewhere along the way the game’s creators didn’t sabotage the female characters.

When I began this piece, I planned to argue that I would select Aeris as a permanent member of my core party if it weren’t for, you know, that thing that happens. But this is just me twisting tragedy to my own nefarious ends.

Plainly, Aeris is a terrible choice.

Her physical attacks are almost useless, and maintaining a good stock of items is as strategically effectively as relying on her limit breaks, if not more so.

The fact that the materia system turns any player into a competent healer does not work in her favour. If this were not the case, she would have been invaluable—which would have made the game considerably more interesting, and considerably more difficult.

But such is the case.

From a functional standpoint, Yuffie is fine. But she’s also optional. You can play the entire game without her, and her story is not all that relevant to the main one. She also jacks all your shit, forcing you on a somewhat annoying sidequest to retrieve it.

In her own way, Yuffie is pretty punk rock. And I would much rather have her on my team than Vincent Valentine.

Obviously, I do not have the hard on for Vincent that everyone else seems to have. His limit breaks are purely temperamental, and turn your own party members into potential targets for his random, but not particularly powerful, attacks. I guess he has range, and scores the odd critical hit, but otherwise he’s a throwaway character.

Oooh! He’s a broody, tortured badass.

So am I.

And, for that matter, so is every other character in the game.

It’s nothing to write home about.

Or is it?

Dear Mom & Dad,

I hope this letter finds you well. I am living in the basement of an abandoned corporate mansion in the quaintly rustic village of Nibelheim.

All I feel is pain.

Oh, yeah. I started wearing a cape.

Give my love to Gran,

VV

Now, where was I?

The more time I’ve had to ruminate on FFVII as a literary masterpiece, the more I’ve come to realize that Tifa might be the best character in the game. She runs her own bar, which doubles as a hideout for a group of militant environmentalists. She’s consistently sensitive and empathetic, and arguably the only person who holds the entire team together throughout the adventure, even when Cloud is trying to two time her.

Oh, and she’s a brass-knuckle brawler who, on occasion, punches enemies with a goddamned dolphin.

My only practical complaint is with her random limit breaks. At what point is she established as a happy-go-lucky gambler? Why are we fucking around with this slot machine bullshit?

Leave it for Cait Sith.

Motherfucking Cait Sith.

Can we all just agree that Cait Sith is the worst character in the game?

If you’re the kind of person who thinks Cait Sith is a great character, obviously you and I should be friends.

But not best friends.

Finally, we have Cid, who is the only character other than Cloud to have a weapon—I believe it’s the Dragoon Lance—with three, triple growth materia slots. Despite none of them being linked, I often swap him into my party later in the game while grinding.

Basically, he’s a dude who functions like the other dudes. Which is to say that he generally functions better than any of the women.

There’s definitely a demand for a remake of Final Fantasy VII, ostensibly because the game was made in 1997. But maybe the best reason to remake it is that some of its sensibilities feel dated to 1957.

Until that happens, my apologies to Red XIII, but I’ll take my chances with Tifa.