It’s a damn shame I haven’t devoted more of my life to reading books. My days are full of random, time-consuming events that leave little space for longer narratives. Accompanying a friend to a book store to hear a collection of other people read from their books, for instance.

By the time I showed up, the crowd was pushing shelves aside. It was standing room only for five readings.

During a poignantly joyful passage, I had to choke back some tears. And then calm down a boner during an alarmingly erotic one.

I met both challenges with masterful composure. In the face overwhelming emotions, chillin’ the fuck out is a must.

Although, in retrospect, I should have taken time at the end of the evening to express these feelings to the authors responsible for eliciting them.

“I almost cried” is probably praise so cliché as to be almost insulting. Almost. Without attempting to explain that I would have cried had I not been in public, because obviously I’m too insecure to cry in public—unless maybe it’s in a dark movie theatre and I think I can get away with it—the whole gesture is just qualified right into insignificance.

Thanks for coming out.

However, “Blood began rushing into my penis” is so apparently crass as to be assuredly uncommon. Startling in its objective bluntness. Weird enough to be accepted as genuine.

Is it inappropriate?

Or is it just life imitating art?

The words from your page, echoing through your voice sent me right out of that packed basement. I was neither the bashful giant nor the sultry palm reader. Rather, I became their experience.

It was so magnificently real that I had to will myself away from it by focusing on a shelf of full-colour science books written for elementary school children.

Shift my left leg slightly forward.

Maintain a level of decorum becoming of such an event.

Spend the rest of the night feeling isolated and immature. Not ashamed of what I experienced, but lost in awesome adoration of such a superior and skillful manipulation of this curious craft.

I’m going to need to make time to read that book. And make sure I’m wearing comfortable pants when I do.