I suppose the underlying theme of this project is frustration. Not so much with myself, or any one person or thing in particular, but with the contiguous futility of days that blur into weeks fading into months decaying into years eroding, it feels, a life.

NiT GriT – Euthanizing A Dream

I have given serious thought, both practically and theoretically, to giving up. Dwelling on the former for any length of time almost necessarily precipitates the consideration of the latter. Leastways in my brain.

While, for the sake of brevity, I must leave this as an extraordinarily abstract concept, I will posit the highly-disputable premise that most of us have some notion of what constitutes tangible success, and how it is we are supposed to go about achieving it. It’s the amorphous American dream that you can and should have. If you don’t, the only problem is you.

All it takes is a little elbow grease. Good ol’ perseverance. Never give up. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

Although it’s not entirely clear if his maxim can be applied to this specific context, I am inclined to believe that Yoda would present a definite argument to the contrary.

There is no try.

Which is probably not so much to say that trying is impossible, or even an entirely erroneous endeavour, but that it’s not a place in which we can live. There is a hearty amount of robust wisdom in recognizing when we do not rather than do.

The fact of the matter is that while we’re trying we’re not doing.

Or so I recall Brad Goodman saying at a seminar in Springfield many years ago.

But regardless of who said what, it has been my observation that, in an effort to get serious about my life, I’ve tended to shutter all those things that make my life my life.

Recently, I’ve been throwing around my resume a lot more. It’s an exercise that, despite my current tone, I take seriously. I invest more than just time and effort into every application I make. As one might be expected to do when chasing a livelihood, I invest myself. I invest my hopes and dreams that tomorrow might be better than today. So it’s not at all lightly that I am able to dismiss those genuine aspirations as, to say the least, misguided. Especially since, in accordance with our mores, these actions are prioritized above such things as the writing I am doing right this instant. It is (at least a large part of) why my last post was dated June 5^th.

My longstanding orbit around this uncomfortable paradigm has begun to decay with accelerating haste. And truthfully, I find myself in a problematic situation where I can no longer even guess at workable, let alone ideal, solutions.

All I have to go on is the reality that the very best of my grown-up efforts have resulted in nothing, while this frivolous foray of fancy is at least something.

Bambu – Just(Us) (Knorsq Remix)